Clowns

clowns... well, honestly, i'm afraid of clowns...the one you see in carnivals and parties....i get these goosebumps even if it's just a clown stuff toy... well, i guess i'm afraid of their faces... all white and everything, and then a big smile and scary eyes... well, just even thinking about what they look like right now can give me goosebumps... but why i write about it? well, last night, as i was about to sleep, i suddenly realize that i'm just like one of them... i mean, everybody i meet, everyone i know, has one comment about me... " I''m always happy, like i don't have any problems in life"... well, who doesn't have problems anyway? Then i realized, maybe i am indeed like a clown that i most fear... happy outside but who knows what's bothering him inside that thick make-up...But it's just who i am... i'm good at hiding my feelings, and i'm good at covering up my problems when i'm in front of people, especially when in front of my family and loved ones... some may say it's being hyprocrite, or being "plastic" in a way... maybe it was the right term for me...maybe i'm a hyprocrite or maybe "plastic"...but I don't really think that I am like that... i mean, maybe I'm just used to being a strong person, happy go lucky, take everything that comes my way with a positive attitude, never let other poeple see i'm weak or sad, or depressed or problematic...in fact i don't even need to exert effort to be happy in front of these people, my family and friends, because I am indeed happy whenever I'm with them... It's not as if I am acting to be happy....But deep inside me, especially when I am alone, that's the time that I realized how empty I was... as if my soul is still searching for its real purpose... as if I am not yet fulfilling what I lived to do.... I can't put into words the emptiness that I sometimes feel....but maybe time is all I need to really determine what I was out here to do, or maybe.... my real purpose in life is to bring smiles and laughter to people around me....then maybe I was just indeed a clown in most ways....