I always thought that everything would be fine between the two of us. We were happy, I've seen how much you cared and even if words were not spoken, I know that I mean something to you. But why all of sudden you just leave without even a word. Is being with me or talking to me really such a hard thing for you to do? I just wanna know the answers to all the questions that's been bothering me. I know that you don't want closures.. you hate closures..you hate dealing with problems, if it's better to just run away, then you would gladly do it. I know that it had been years now, two years to be exact. I should have moved on. I should have learn to just forget about it and move on. But part of me still wants to know what you felt after reading my letter. I want to know if your mad because I havent' been totally honest with you. I want to know if your mad because you thought I betrayed our friendship. I want to know a lot of things but you don't want me to. I admit that until now, I still get hurt whenever I remember things we used to do, places we used to go, but I also know that what's between us will never be more than just friends. But I am still hoping that even only that friendship could remain, if it's the only thing that we could have.

Love

Love doesn't always guarantee a happy ending.
When we love, we should be ready to get hurt.
When we love, we should be ready to forgive
When we love, we should be ready to forget
When we love, we should learn to be patient
When we love, we should learn to accept faults
When we love, we should learn to understand
When we love, we should learn to let go
Letting go is hard, but it's part of loving
You cannot always hold on to someone
just because you are not ready to let go
Even if that someone is no longer happy.
It's hard letting go of somebody you love
But it's also the right thing to do.
If you really love a person,
It is but fair to make that person happy
If letting that person go would make him/her happy
Then let him/her go.

Unitl When

As much as I wanted to forget the feelings I have for you, I simply can't do it. God knows how much I've tried, and how much I prayed that finally I will learn to let go, and move on with my life. But everynight as I went to sleep, I keep on remembering the happy times we had shared. The times when you cared and the times when we're okay. Until when do I have to wait, until when can I truly say to myself that I'm over you. Maybe one of the reasons why I can't get this feeling out of myself was because, deep inside I am still hoping. Hoping that even if you and I cannot be more than friends, at least, the friendship could remain. But eversince I told you how I truly feel, I haven't heard anything from you. I don't know what exactly it is your thinking or how you're feeling. I don't know if you're mad or hurt by my admisssion. It just seems that there was no closure for everything that had happenned. I do deserve to have the right to know don't I? Until when do I have to wait for you to talk to me? Until when do I have to wait for the answers to all of my questions? Until when do I have to wait? Was it such a hard thing for you to at least let me know how you feel about all of these? Please, I am tired of self-guessing, I am tired of hoping for nothing. I am tired of thinking that maybe tomorrow or the day after that you will finally answer me. Had I done such a tremendous thing by admitting how I felt? Was it so much that even our friendship cannot remain? Was it so much that you don't want to talk to me ever again? Please...until when???

Goodbye

There comes a time in a relationship when we have to say goodbye. There are various reasons for a good relationship to finally comes to an end. Saying goodbye is hard and oftentimes difficult. But wouldn't it be harder for the other person if we just leave without even saying goodbye? I think leaving per se is hard, but it's harder and sometimes a bit insulting, if the other person simply goes away without even the courage and the decency to say goodbye. I am saying these for all types of relationships. In friendship, I guess it's much difficult to find yourself wake up one day and realize that the friend you once have just leaves you in the cold without even saying goodbye. It's like everything you had shared had just been thrown away in a blink of an eye. I think for me, it would be better if the person just admits what went wrong and say goodbye, than for me to keep on hanging that eventually everything will return back to normal. It's like there's no closure in the relationship when the person just leaves without any explanations or without even saying goodbye. I think it's unfair and immature. Saying goodbye to someone you once cared, though may be difficult must be done, because everybody deserves it and maybe because it's one way to help the other person let go and move on with his or her life.

Happinness = Sorrows

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Some say joy is greater than sorrow, while others say sorrow is greater. But they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at the board, the other is asleep in your bed." --- Khalil Gibran

Everytime I am sad, I remember these lines from the book I once read.... and then I realized that I should not be sad at all... because what I was sad about had once brought happinness to me...and maybe, I should be thankful that somehow, at some point in my life, that happiness was present...even if its in the past... and all that's left for the present is sorrow.

Clowns

clowns... well, honestly, i'm afraid of clowns...the one you see in carnivals and parties....i get these goosebumps even if it's just a clown stuff toy... well, i guess i'm afraid of their faces... all white and everything, and then a big smile and scary eyes... well, just even thinking about what they look like right now can give me goosebumps... but why i write about it? well, last night, as i was about to sleep, i suddenly realize that i'm just like one of them... i mean, everybody i meet, everyone i know, has one comment about me... " I''m always happy, like i don't have any problems in life"... well, who doesn't have problems anyway? Then i realized, maybe i am indeed like a clown that i most fear... happy outside but who knows what's bothering him inside that thick make-up...But it's just who i am... i'm good at hiding my feelings, and i'm good at covering up my problems when i'm in front of people, especially when in front of my family and loved ones... some may say it's being hyprocrite, or being "plastic" in a way... maybe it was the right term for me...maybe i'm a hyprocrite or maybe "plastic"...but I don't really think that I am like that... i mean, maybe I'm just used to being a strong person, happy go lucky, take everything that comes my way with a positive attitude, never let other poeple see i'm weak or sad, or depressed or problematic...in fact i don't even need to exert effort to be happy in front of these people, my family and friends, because I am indeed happy whenever I'm with them... It's not as if I am acting to be happy....But deep inside me, especially when I am alone, that's the time that I realized how empty I was... as if my soul is still searching for its real purpose... as if I am not yet fulfilling what I lived to do.... I can't put into words the emptiness that I sometimes feel....but maybe time is all I need to really determine what I was out here to do, or maybe.... my real purpose in life is to bring smiles and laughter to people around me....then maybe I was just indeed a clown in most ways....

Closing Cycles

Closing Cycles by Paulo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end.
If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time,
We lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through
Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters-
Whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job?
Has a loving relationship come to an end?
Did you leave your parents’ house?
Gone to live abroad?
Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?
You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened.
You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and solid in your life
have to turned into dust, just like that.
But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved:
You parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister,
Everyone will be finishing chapters,
Turning over new leaves, getting on with life,
And they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time,
Not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us.
What has passed will not return:
We cannot forever be children,
Late adolescents,
Sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents,
Lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away
and has not the least intention of coming back.
Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away
That is way it is so important (however painful it may be!)
To destroy souvenirs,
To move,
Give lots of things away to orphanages,
Sell or donate the books you have at home.
Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world,
Of what is going on in our hearts –
And getting rid of certain memories means
-making some room for other memories to take their place.
Let things go.
Release them.
Detach yourself from them.
Nobody plays this life with marked cards,
So sometimes we win and sometimes we lose.
Do not expect anything in return,
Do not expect your efforts to be appreciated,
Your genius to be discovered,
Your love to be understood.
Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again
The one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss,
That is only poisoning you, nothing else.
Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off,
Work that is promised but there is no starting date,
Decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.”
Before a new chapter is begun,
The old one has to be finished:
Tell yourself that what has passed will never come back.
Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person
Nothing is irreplaceable.
A habit is not a need.
This may sound so obvious,
It may even be difficult,
But it is very important.

Closing cycles.
Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance,
But simply because that no longer fits your life.
Shut the door,
Change the record,
Clean the house
Shake off the dust.
Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

Reminiscing...

What good does reminiscing about the past bring? Would it just be harder for us to forget if we keep on reminiscing happy memories we've had shared with the person we no longer have at present? Was it not a torture to keep on remembering happy moments together when you know for a fact that it will never happen again? How can we forget the feelings if we keep bringing it back at present? But how can we also tell ourselves to stop reminiscing if everytime we close our eyes it's the same person we see, it's the same happy moments we dreamed about? Is there a course about forgetting? about letting go? Was there a way that when you wake up the next morning everything will simply return back to normal? Or it's just really up to us to learn to let go and forget. To learn to stop clinging to the past and move on. To simply be happy and accept what had happened in the past, what we have at present and what awaits us in the future.

Sieze the day

July 31, 2006 10:40pm

Life is short they say, you’ll never know how long you’ll live… so live each day as if its your last day. Grab every opportunity, take any chances you have, show the person you love how you feel, live and enjoy life to its fullest. But sometimes, we just cannot leaver everything and enjoy life. There are many things to be considered, too many responsibilities to fulfill, too many people to think of. I admit, I never lived my life to its fullest. But God how I wish I could. But I fear a lot of things. People around me placed a lot of standards in my life, that sometimes, I myself cannot meet those standards anymore. But I don’t have much choices either. There are just too many standards that I simply have to meet. Sometimes, I think what if I just abandoned all those standards that was required of me, and instead, live my life the way I wanted it to be. What if I just go out there everyday and do what I like to do with my life. Don’t have to think of anybody or anything at all. Will I be happy that way? Will it be not selfish of me to do such thing? Sometimes I just wish I could be somewhere or someplace that I can just sit and relax, to really appreciate the beautiful things around me. To have time to reflect on what I really want. To clear my mind of all worries and problems. Sometimes it takes us courage to be able to decide on what we really want in life. Courage to stand up for whatever decisions we made, whatever its consequences would be. How I wish I was courageous enough to really do what I want in life. To be free from all the expectations that the society and people around me demands out of me.

Loving You

Loving you has brought so much hurt and pain
But I never regret a single day of loving you
Because loving you had made me a better person
Loving you had taught me to love unselfishly
Loving you had taught me to love unconditionally
Loving you had taught me to be strong
Loving you had taught me life moves on after a heartbreak
Even if loving you had brought hurt and pains
I will say that loving you was the best experience I had in my life
I know that the scar you left when you leave me behind
will always be a scar in my heart,
But I also know that the pain that goes together with that scar,
will eventually ease as time goes by
And when I look back and see that scar
I can tell to myself,
Hey, I survived it all and I had the scars to prove it.

Lessons Learned in Love

When we fall in love, we learn a lot
We learn that loving can be painful
We learn that loving is letting go
We learn that we cannot force people to love us back
We learn that love should be unconditional
We learn that in love we should not have too much expectations
We learn that love should be patient
We learn that love can sometimes break us apart
We learn that love can change a person
We learn that love can make us feel alive
We learn that love will always be a mystery
We learn that no matter what we do, we can’t truly understand love
We learn that love makes sacrifices
We learn that true love lasts forever
We learn that love needs no reason or logic
We learn that love is a feeling we cannot suppress
We learn that love sometimes requires silence so that we can hear its message
We learn that love endures all things
We learn that love is unselfish
We learn that love believes when no one else believes
We learn that love listens
We learn that love is setting the other person free if the feeling is no longer there
We learn that love is like a sand, the more you hold on to it, the faster it disappears from your grasp
We learn that love will come at the right moment with the right person
We learn a lot from love
That’s why even if loving can be painful at times
We should be thankful for learning how to love
We should be thankful if we ever fell-in love
Because even if it brought us hurts and pains
Still, there are things that we learned along the way
So be thankful
Live….Love….
Everyday of your life

Was I Wrong All Along?

I thought you were different from other people I’ve met
I thought that our friendship was strong enough
I thought that our friendship could stand the test of time
I thought that we could be open with each other
I thought I can say to you anything I wanna say
I thought nothing can change what we feel for each other as friends
I thought that you will never forget me
I thought that you will never leave me no matter what
I thought that you will forever be my friend
I thought that we will grow old together
But I guess I was wrong
Because the moment I had been honest to you
The moment that I finally admit to myself and to you how I feel about you
The moment that I finally told you how much you mean to me
The moment you learned that I love you
All of sudden, you just left me behind.
And now I wonder,
What happen to the person I once knew?
What happen to the friendship that we once shared?
What happen to the friend that I once knew and loved?
Or maybe I was just wrong all along.

For How Long?

If loving you can be this painful
Why then do I still love you?
Is it because loving you is also part of my existence?
Feelings that I cannot control nor suppress?
Feelings that no matter how hard I try to erase, just can’t be erased?
When will the time comes that I’ll finally get over these feelings I have for you?
How long will I have to wait and endure the pain?
How long shall I have to convince myself that I’m waiting for nothing
How many times do I have to cry myself at night?
How many times do I have to get hurt just to admit the truth?
That no matter how painful it is,
No matter how many tears I’ve cried
No matter how long I wait,
You and I will only be just friends.

In Hope For Friendship

I know that loving you was wrong
There are so many things to be considered
So many people to be taken into consideration
So many feelings involved
I know that I should have rejected this feeling long ago
But I also know that I cannot help myself from falling for you
It is not my intention to confuse you
Nor is it my intention to make you feel guilty
I was just being honest to myself and to you
I know that I cannot have you,
But I also want you to at least know how I feel about you
Love I guess, sometimes can really be complicated
People you love can’t love you back
While there are people around you who loves you
But you cannot return the feelings.
I don’t want to add up anymore to your confusion
That’s why I’m putting us some distance
But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you
It’s because I love you so much that I’m giving you the freedom
The freedom to be happy with the one you are right now
The freedom to have the peace of mind
The freedom not to feel guilt over something
The freedom to decide on your own what you really want in life
The distance I’ve put between us doesn’t mean I’m not willing to fight for you
It’s just that there are so many decisions in this relationship of ours
That only you can decide upon
I would have accepted any decision on your part
Whatever decision that might be,
I just hope that our friendship will remain
If it’s the only thing that you and I could ever have.

Learning to Let Go

There have been so many times in my life
I push myself to get over my feelings for you.
I have tried and God knows how much I tried
I tried because I know you’ll never love me the same way
I tried because I know that for you I’ll always be just a friend.
But everytime I tell myself that I have succeeded
There will be moments when I have to admit that I’m just lying
I’m lying to myself day and night
I’m lying to myself because I don’t want to be hurt anymore
I’m lying to myself because I don’t want to be crying anymore
But the more I lie to myself, the more I get hurt.
Still, I believe that indeed, someday,
I will finally tell myself that I am over you
I mean, honestly tell myself that you’re just a part of my life.
Not my present nor my future.

In Loving

Loving you has not been easy
There are moments when I want to give up
There are moments when I ask myself why should I stay?
Loving you has brought pains and hurts
But I guess that’s the mystery of love
Because amidst the pain and the hurt,
Loving you has also been part of my existence

Friends

Friends are life’s greatest treasure
They’ve been given to us to cheer us when we’re down
To rejoice with us when we’re happy
To listen when we want to speak-up
To keep silent when we want them to
Words are not needed between friends
Because even if there is silence, friends understand each other

Dreaming

Dreaming is like the wide ocean
There are no boundaries, no limitations
We can dream of anything and everything
Without anyone or anything to stop us
Our dreams can bring us to different worlds,
Even to different time dimensions
In our dreams we can be loved by the people we love
We can have a world that is peaceful
We can have the things that we cannot afford
We can have the happiness and peace of mind that we want
But dreaming is dreaming per se
We cannot confuse our dreams from reality
But we can always try our best, put all our efforts
And who knows, maybe our dreams will someday be our reality

Life's Journey

Life is but a journey we all take
There are various paths along the way
Sometimes it will lead us to the path of happiness
Sometimes it will lead us to the path of loneliness
But at times it will lead us to the path of indifference
Like the waves in the ocean
And the creatures beneath the ocean
They don’t know where the wind will eventually take them
But they willingly surrender themselves to the wind and the current

As we journey through life
We would not know where it will take us
Sometimes it will lead us to the road of success and happiness
Sometimes it will lead us to the road of failure and loneliness
And sometimes it will lead us to the road of indifference
But just as the same, we should also trust and surrender ourselves
Not to the wind nor the current
But to the Supreme Being who always knows what’s best for us

If He leads us to the road of success and happiness
Be thankful and share what you received to the less fortunate
If He leads us to the road of failure and loneliness
Be thankful because He wants us to learn something
If He leads us to the path of indifference
Be thankful because He wants us to make choices and stand-up for its consequences

Realization at Sunset

Sitting here alone staring at you
Thinking why life was so blue
The warmth of your rays as you descend
I wish to go back to the moment that he and I had spent
As your light touches the waters bringing different shades of colors and brightness
I can’t help but think of the times when his presence made my world full of happiness
As your colors became brighter and brighter
How I wish our feelings for each other could have grown much deeper
But at the end of the day, when you are about to rest
And you finally decide to give way to darkness
That’s also the time when I have to be honest
And admit to myself that for him I am just a friend

Love...get hurt...and love again

I have been reading what I have written in my journal and I realized that it had been months since I’ve written last. The last entry was 11/12/05. I was surprised to read what I have written. It’s about the line from a song which goes “ time heals all wounds they say and I should know, it seems like forever, but now I’m letting you go” I had written this entry when I was daydreaming and at the same time reflecting on what had happened in my life, of the things I’ve done and failed to do. And more specifically on the time when I had told him that I love him. Was that a big mistake? I really don’t know. But one thing’s for sure is that I know that wherever time takes me, I will never regret the time that I had told him I love him, knowing that I was just being honest to my feelings for him. I know that a lot of things changed the moment I told him the truth, but even before I told him, I know things just wouldn’t be the same anymore. I feel sad for what happened to the friendship that we had, but I am still hoping that someday, that friendship will be renewed. Today, as I am writing this one down, or rather typing this one, I can honestly tell myself that my feelings for him was really over and done with. Maybe the love I feel for him is still there but not anymore as intense as it had been before. I guess, that’s normal and that love will never really fades, because he had been a part of my life at some point in time, and there will always be happy memories together to reminisce. Hey, life goes on… falling in love is part of life, take the risk, get hurt, and love again. I guess it’s really true that as time passes by, the hurt and the pain you felt after a rejection will eventually ease, and what will remain is the scar. But as you reflect on it in the future, you will be proud to say to yourself, “hey, I survived, and I had the scars to prove it”